Learn to Live with “No”

The old saying that there are only two things certain in life—death and taxes—should be modified. A third certainty we can expect is rejection. Our world can be turned upside down by a single word: “no.” Thankfully, rejection usually does not inflict emotional pain like death or financial pain like taxes. But, rejection can damage our ego and dent our spirit. Sometimes, rejection stings for only a few minutes, then we move on. Other times, disappointment and anger affect us for years.

Rejection may be a fact of life, but how we deal with rejection can make the difference between bouncing back or getting stuck. This week’s One to Grow On quote from Steve Jobs serves to explain why rejection occurred. Rejection can do less harm to our outlook if we frame a “no” response in a way that maintains proper perspective. Think of Jobs’ statement as a variation of the infamous breakup line “it’s not you, it’s me.” It is less a matter of your shortcomings and more about issues residing with the other person.

Why We Hear “No”

It is a fair reaction to question yourself when rejection happens. Did you say something wrong? Did you offend the other person? What could you have done differently to change the outcome? We can ask these questions and more after the fact. They are part instructional, part therapeutic. You may have a gnawing feeling inside that you could have done something to reach a different outcome. These thoughts are normal, but they will not yield an answer on how the situation could have had a more desirable ending.

When your idea or business proposition is rejected, the root problem is usually traceable to the other person. Some possible reasons for rejection attributable to the other person include:

“I don’t care.” The other person is often satisfied with status quo. Your idea would be new in their lives, something with which they can live without having or doing.
“I am afraid.” You can be rejected because you rattle cages. The other person is uncomfortable because they know you are right. They need what you are offering, but they are worried about the change they would have to adapt to by accepting your idea.
“I am weak.” I doubt anyone would ever cite this reason for rejecting you or your offer, but it could be an underlying problem. They cannot imagine themselves deserving and enjoying the benefits your idea delivers. It is for someone else but surely not them. Their problems run much deeper than anything you said or did.
I don’t like you.” I admit it; I was wrong. One reason you hear “no” is personal; the other person does not like you. You are too young (or old), too attractive (or unattractive), too friendly (or aloof), too something for their tastes. Just as a brand like Starbucks does not appeal to all consumers, your personal brand will not resonate with everyone you meet. That fact alone makes rejection normal.

Your Answer to “No”

So how do you respond to rejection? Our comeback to “no” can validate the other person’s beliefs or strengthen our resolve to stay the course. Let’s embrace the latter, shall we? If “no” doesn’t mean I can’t do it, what must I do to take the focus off the rejection? Here are three possible responses.

Prove them wrong. Rejection can be a powerful motivator to show someone they were wrong about you or your idea. At the beginning of my academic career, I was passed over for a position at my alma mater. The rejection crushed me at the time, but it also pushed me to become a more productive researcher. I no longer felt the need to prove them wrong once I realized I could “do my thing” in other places and with other people.
Reframe the message. Rejection is not due to an inadequacy about you. The rejection is a perceived lack of need based on information available to the other person. Address this problem by ensuring your message focuses on what is in it for them. People buy ideas because they will make their life better in some way. Some people will still reject an idea positioned as good for them. Others you are losing now could be reached with a clearer answer to the question “what’s in it for me?”
Empathize, not sympathize. When people oppose or reject you, do not automatically dismiss them. Understand where they are coming from (empathize), but do not accept their beliefs as your own (sympathize). Who knows—an empathetic response could win them over. At the very least, you maintain beliefs in your idea and can agree to disagree about its utility to them.

A Matter of When

You will be rejected (perhaps even a lot). Rather than playing it safe and avoiding situations in which rejection is possible, understand that a “no” is not about you. More importantly, it is not a verdict against your idea. Rather, it can be a signal to look for opportunity elsewhere.

Choose Your Focus or It Will be Chosen for You

hourglass

Time is the great equalizer. For all of the variation existing in resources such as education, experience, and income, the one resource that you cannot multiply is available time. We all have 24 hours in a day with which to accomplish how much (or how little) we want to do. Moreover, time has the upper hand in our lives as we do not know when time will be called and life on earth is over. Time is clearly a precious yet finite resource. Time scarcity makes choices about how we focus our attention and thoughts all the more important.

The One to Grow On quote this week is simple, but it is a message that I often need to be reminded to follow. It is a call to make a priority of people and situations that are truly important and recognize the rest for what they are—less important.

I came across this quote at a time when some of my co-workers were hurting. They did not tell me they were hurting, but they did not have to say a word. Setbacks occurred in projects in which they were heavily invested. They had a right to be disappointed, frustrated, and even angry. It saddened me to see them dejected. It also saddened me to see them stewing in so much negative energy for situations that do not matter much in the big picture.

Recognize the Distractions

It is not too difficult to become ensnared with issues and situations that do not matter much in the long run. We do not set out to do let small matters rob us of growth opportunities, yet that is exactly what can happen. We fixate on small things that do not go as we want, dragging us down to the point it impairs our ability to work on big things. You can cite many explanations for succumbing to these distractions:

You want to do right. If you have strong beliefs about how an issue or project should be handled, you may feel led to get involved to do something about it. But, if the outcome does not go your way the personal investment you made can feel like a loss.
You want to win. Sometimes, our competitive spirit overcomes us, and we take on a non-priority project or issue because we seek the satisfaction of being on the “right” side of the outcome.
You forget there is more than one way. Becoming sidetracked with matters that are not related to your true priorities can occur because we think we have the best solution. You may have the best solution, but is it an issue worth your investment, or will someone else’s solution suffice?
You welcome the distraction. If you regularly become distracted by low priority issues and projects, are you seeking them out as diversions? Shifting your focus to tackle a project that is low priority might feel good to you. Perhaps you justify the diversion by convincing yourself it must be handled… by you. The unintended effect can be you spread yourself too thin, causing more important projects to suffer.

Goals = Focus

How can we avoid falling into a dark hole of anger and discontent when something does not go our way? Set goals. Priorities are established when goals are in place. They give focus to how to spend your time, attention, and even your money. Pursuing those outcomes that will contribute to your growth leaves little room for distractions in the form of unimportant issues to creep in to your life.

In the book Me: How to Sell Who You Are, What You Do, and Why You Matter to the World, Colby Jubenville and I devote a chapter to setting goals. The practice of personal branding is pointless without having clearly defined outcomes. In Me, we urge setting goals for different life parts. We are not one-dimensional beings, and your goals should reflect your varied interests. The life parts for which goals can be set include:

Career
Relationships
Wellness
Spiritual
Financial
“Bucket list”

When you set goals for multiple life parts, you set priorities for what is important to you and in turn, demands your focus. You will be too busy to be dragged down by the minutiae of low priority or non-priority matters.

Short Indeed

We are wired for accomplishment. The thrill of achievement is one of the greatest feelings we experience. Realizing achievement and success in the right areas can be easier said than done. Resolve to focus on what matters most and let go of what doesn’t. Life is short, and time is limited. Decide what your priorities will be and enjoy the journey of pursuing goals.

Your Outlook Determines Your Outcome

When our oldest son, Chris, was seven years old, he played on a baseball team… a bad baseball team. I know, at that age it should be all about having fun. Parents were not having much fun, though, as the team struggled to improve. The low point of the season was a 19-0 blowout loss. I dreaded the ride home- how would I console my child who had just been on the wrong end of a resounding defeat?

The game is memorable because of something Chris blurted out from the back seat. He exclaimed “that was a great game!” My wife and I looked at each other wondering what game he was talking about. It couldn’t have been the one he just played! Yet, in his mind it was a great game. He never explained why he felt that way, but I am glad he did. Chris’s outlook determined the outcome of the game in terms of its impact on him. Others were keeping score, but he felt a different outcome because of a different view of what made for a great game.

Life in the Gutter

I often think of that lopsided defeat Chris’s baseball team experienced and his refreshing take on the outcome. Chris’s outlook is echoed in the words of playwright and poet Oscar Wilde. We are all in the gutter, perhaps not all the time, but we face adversity and setbacks that place us in that gutter. Sometimes, we wonder if it is possible to get up and out of the gutter- a lost job, failed relationship, or unsuccessful business venture- and some people take up residence there.

It is helpful to realize that falling into the gutter is normal and is not a matter of your life being jinxed. They say two things in life are certain: death and taxes. We should add a third thing to the list because adversity will land your doorstep. There is nothing akin to an ad blocker or do-not-call list to keep adversity out of your life. You will take up residence in the gutter. The frequency of visits and length of stay will depend largely on your outlook toward the situation.

Gutter Talk

What is the deciding factor in how things turn out when you find yourself in the gutter of adversity? Your outlook on the situation. As much as you might want to blame a boss, a bully, or the government for your woes, none of them will pull you out of the gutter. No one else has more at stake for you to bounce back than you.

The gutter can be a slimy, unpleasant place. I want out as soon as I realize I’m there. The content of your self-talk can be the difference between looking at the stars or getting acclimated to your surroundings in the gutter. I find three reminders helpful to help pull me out of the gutter:

Being in the gutter is normal. I would be more concerned about someone if they told me they had never faced adversity or felt like they were in the gutter. If you never find yourself in the gutter, you are not trying hard enough!
I’ve been here before. Since being in the gutter is normal, you should expect to find yourself there from time to time. It is an acknowledgement that is easier to make the older and more experienced you are. You can recall setbacks and remember you were able to overcome them.
I have control over when I get out. This point can be the hardest to accept. And, it can also be the hardest to implement. Realizing adversity is normal and that you have felt it before takes self-awareness. Buying in to the idea you have control over managing the effects of the adversity you face is more challenging. Unfortunately, in extreme cases some people refuse to believe they have control. Someone or something wants to keep them down; trying to fight it is futile.

Embrace the Gutter

The words of Oscar Wilde will come to mind anytime I find myself in the gutter of adversity. Being there is not uncommon, but I have an opportunity to craft a unique response to the adversity. It will not only free me, but the response to adversity will shape my personal brand story. While I don’t seek out chances to wallow in the gutter, I will not be fearful when it happens, either. Open your eyes, look up toward the stars, and see the possibilities beyond the adversity.

Curiosity: The Seeds of Talent

How do you see yourself? Is the way you see the person in the mirror the same as how the world sees you? Sometimes, a wide gulf exists between perception and reality. A very smart person reminded me of this difference. That smart person was Albert Einstein. He once said “I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.”

If Einstein had no special talents, is there any hope for the rest of us? His name is synonymous with intelligence, scientific rigor, and talent. Yet, in his mind he had no special talents. One of the most distinctive personal brands to walk the earth was not lacking in talent, as he suggested. But, he possessed a greater gift that led him to accomplishment: curiosity.

Why Curiosity Matters

All great accomplishment comes from an unease or dissatisfaction with the status quo. We question whether things could be different or better. Then, if the discomfort is significant enough we embark on a journey to come up with a solution. Alternatively, we could turn away from the current situation and let it remain as is. Growth requires a willingness to accept risk; curiosity is a form of self-permission to pursue accomplishment.

Curiosity is at the root of this transformation. If we are unwilling to question why we accept things as they are, what an alternative would look like, and how to get to that alternative state, we will continue to reside in a comfort zone. The digs are nice, but who knows, we could be in a much nicer “neighborhood” if we allow curiosity to work for us.

Build Curiosity Muscle

Can you become better at allowing curiosity spark personal growth? I hope so because using curiosity to spur growth is a personal weakness of mine. Years of conforming to rules and systems will do it to you. Conformity and curiosity can be at odds sometimes. It is a relief to realize curiosity can become a personal growth tool rather than a liability.

I recently read an article on curiosity by Donald Latumahina. In the article, he discusses why being curious is an important personal trait and how you can develop it. Four tips for becoming more curious stood out:

Keep an open mind. This practice can be harder to follow today as we can fall into an echo chamber of reading and listening to like-minded people. Embrace other perspectives if for no other reason than to deepen your understanding of other people.
Don’t take things for granted. “It has always been done this way” is not the best justification or guideline. Be willing to consider if there is a better way.
Ask questions. Make questions of Why? When? Where? What? more prominent in your vocabulary. I wrote a post on the importance of asking questions in our personal growth. Leveraging curiosity is one of the most important roles asking questions can play.
Learn from different sources. We can deepen our understanding of the world around us and spark curiosity by broadening our information sources. Don’t limit learning to the same newspapers, magazines, or websites. Moreover, don’t limit learning to sources from one field or industry. If you are an accountant, make a point to read works about architecture. We can learn from other fields and question assumptions we make about our own field.

Grant Permission

What I learned from reflecting on the role of curiosity in personal growth is simple: I must give myself permission to be curious. You have heard the saying “curiosity killed the cat.” That thought does little to encourage curiosity. Although some people may be naturally more curious than others about the world around them, the good news is we are not limited to a natural inclination to be curious. We must overcome indifference and apprehension and be open to what we can learn about people and the world around us.

Questions, Questions, Questions—Keep Asking

The answer to creating a better life depends on the questions you ask.

My wife, Sara, has been my better half for thirty years. She has many admirable qualities, but one that I often observe is her penchant for asking questions. Sometimes, I do not perceive it as a desirable trait, such as having to explain that it is a penalty when a defensive back wraps his arms around a wide receiver before the ball arrives… even though the defender’s job is to tackle the offensive player. Doesn’t everybody know that? Of course not, but when we forget to walk in someone else’s shoes we lack empathy and awareness of others.

When I read a quote from personal growth expert Tony Robbins recently, it changed my view about the questions people ask. All questions matter regardless of depth or perceived importance, at least to the person asking them. Questions serve valuable roles in our life, and instead of questioning the questions we should be thankful they are asked. Moreover, we should consider how asking questions can spur personal growth.

Why We Must Ask Questions

It only took thirty years, but I now understand why my wife asks the questions that she poses about football, current events, and more. And, the reason has nothing to do with ignorance or lack of knowledge. We ask questions to raise our quality of life, as Tony Robbins states. Asking questions is not an indicator of inadequacy. Rather, a willingness to ask questions means we are open to growth.

Asking questions powers growth in three ways:

Questions fill in the blanks. It is impossible and unrealistic to think we can know everything we need to know to get by in daily life. Differences in upbringing, environment, experiences, and more mean we have knowledge gaps. We simply have not been exposed to all that there is to know. Questions are a natural vehicle for closing knowledge gaps. My wife says she asks questions for this reason. She has a curiosity that she seeks to overcome, and asking questions is the ideal way to make it happen.
Questions challenge our assumptions. Asking questions aids in understanding our beliefs about the boundaries in which we operate. Not asking questions could lead to us accepting things as they are… but they could be better. One of my favorite stories related to this point is about a family gathering in which the women of the family are cooking a meal. One of the women prepare a ham to put in the oven. They cut off the end of the ham. When questioned by her daughter why she always cuts off the end of the ham, the mother responds “because my mother always did it.” Well, her mother was there, so the reason for this practice could be uncovered. The mother’s answer? “I cut the end off because my mother always does it.” The matriarch was in the room, so she, too, was asked this question. The secret was finally revealed: “I cut off the end of the ham because my pan is too small.” Failing to ask questions could lead to us continuing to cutting off the end of the ham, not really knowing why we do it.
Questions move us beyond status quo. Once we challenge assumptions by asking questions about why things happen, we can ask more questions to effect change and in turn, growth. Returning to the family gathering, the aha moment when everyone learns the end of the ham is cut off because the baking pan is too small should lead to follow-up questions. Is there a reason we never got a larger pan? What size pan do we need? What options are available? Answering these questions could lead to taking action… and discontinuing the practice of cutting off part of the ham.

What Holds Us Back

Given the benefits of asking questions, shouldn’t we be posing more of them? Unfortunately, we often pass on the chance to ask and as a result miss growth opportunities. As I think about it, I let far too many chances to ask questions slip away. It helps no one and negatively affects quality of life as Tony Robbins suggests. What is holding me back?

Pride. One of the biggest deterrents to personal growth is pride. How can that be, you might wonder. Why would anyone stand in the way of his or her own development? It can happen when we are too proud to admit we do not know very much. Instead, we should adopt a mindset of if we do not know, ask.
Indifference. Another obstacle to asking questions that we foolishly erect is indifference. We do not know something, but we have survived just fine so far without knowing. So, why bother asking questions? Yes, I may be able to live in blissful ignorance, but at some point that crumbles as a personal development strategy.
Fear. In contrast to the laziness associated with pride and indifference, fear of asking questions relates to what we might have to do based on answers to questions we have avoided asking. Will I expose a glaring weakness I must confront? Am I going to have to admit inadequacies that make it difficult, if not impossible, to reach goals? We must be brave enough to ask questions of ourselves regardless of how uncomfortable answers could make us feel.

No Question about Questions

I have reflected on Tony Robbins’s quote several times since first reading it. That one sentence has changed how I look at asking and answering questions. We give ourselves permission to , learn, understand, and grow when we ask questions. It is one aspect of our growth for which we are in charge. We do not need permission to ask questions, nor are we limited in the number of questions to pose… no question about it!

Get Excited about Saying Goodbye

Henrik Lundqvist — Image Credit: Bridget Samuels

A flood of mixed emotions are racing through my head this morning. It has nothing to do with Monday, going to work, or other everyday obstacle. It’s a new situation; one that will certainly play out again in the future. A child is leaving the nest- not permanently but for the longest stretch of time in his life (five months). And, he is going far away (to The Netherlands). His semester of study abroad will pass quickly. I know because my semester as a college professor invariably moves fast… seemingly faster as I get older. It was not a long-term goodbye, but nonetheless a parting that led me to rethink my role as parent and teacher.

Saved by a Goalie

Feelings of sadness over my son’s departure were soon replaced by comforting words that I read when I needed them. And, of all of the sages who could have uttered timely words, it was a hockey goalie who spoke to me. Henrik Lundqvist is a star National Hockey League goaltender. Lundqvist plays for the New York Rangers and has played for his native Sweden in the Winter Olympics and World Cup of Hockey. By all measures, Lundqvist has made it.

Despite his successes in hockey, Lundqvist acknowledges there is a person who can be credited with an assist in his accomplishments: his father. Lundqvist recently authored a letter to his eight-year-old self. In the letter, he touches on the influence of his father. Lundqvist shares that his father encouraged him to dream big, to see himself playing professional hockey and for his country.

Lundqvist observed the following about his father’s impact in shaping his destiny:

My job as a parent is to prepare my children to say goodbye because they have achieved their dreams. By extension, my role as a teacher is to do the same for people studying under me.

It Doesn’t Feel Like Sacrifice

Henrik Lundqvist observes the true meaning of sacrifice is to help position people we care about to succeed and expect nothing in return. As I think about his words and what I have done for my three sons, I realize it does not even feel like sacrifice. The first time I heard about 6:00 a.m. hockey practices when my youngest son took up the game I thought to myself “that’s crazy- we will never do that.” It may be crazy, but we have done it many times… and many other crazy things, too. But, my wife and I have never sought sympathy or Parent of the Year awards. We do it because we are preparing our son for that day when he says goodbye.

Enjoy the Ride

I am going to follow my own advice I shared with my middle son as he departed today. Many possible words of wisdom crossed my mind, but I kept returning to one idea: Enjoy the experience. I have the opportunity to enjoy it with him through photos and stories. I will focus my energy there, and not dwell on his absence or count down the days until he returns. Such thoughts are selfish and do not help him (or me) grow. Saying goodbye can be taken as a signal that our work as a parent or leader was well done. Thus, it is not a sad time but one of growth possibilities.

Personal Growth Requires Small Thinking

It’s easy to associate growth with big thinking. You have to imagine possibilities that stretch previous accomplishments. It requires higher aspirations in learning, relationships, and personal accountability. In short, it is assumed that to get better we must think bigger.

I came across a different way of looking at personal growth in a quote from Pope Francis. Instead of thinking big to grow, Francis suggests we must think small. At face value, the idea is counter-intuitive. To do, have, or be more wouldn’t you have to reach for more and see a “bigger you?” Not according to Pope Francis.

What Does It Mean to be Small?

The words of Pope Francis were constantly on my mind for days. Accept my smallness? What does it mean? What must I do? As a marketer, I advocate for brands and people to stand out. Is accepting one’s smallness counter to brand building? While the question of what does it mean to be small has branding implications, it is a much larger issue.

What does it really mean to be small? Three ways of looking at it:

Estimates of today’s world population run about 7.5 billion people. I imagine a circle containing 7.5 billion dots and realize I am but one of those dots. My smallness comes through loud and clear in a visual way.
The dots in the circle are interchangeable. We will all die and replaced by new dots. The world can get along just fine without any one of us. My important brand is not so important after all.
Most accomplishments do not come from grand performances or events. They accrue from daily interactions with the other dots in our own world with whom we serve, teach, or love. It’s the life equivalent of “small ball,” a strategy in baseball of focusing on singles and base-running to score, not relying on belting home runs.

Small Thinking and Personal Branding

From a personal branding standpoint, a question that arises is whether accepting one’s smallness in order to grow clashes with personal branding practices. If an aim of personal branding is to rise above competition, is it possible if I am just one of 7.5 billion dots? The answer is a resounding “yes.” A brand in general and personal brand in particular is vulnerable. It is not a programmed machine but rather a living being influenced by emotions and relationships. Those vulnerabilities, emotions, and relationships contribute to the stories that are your brand.

Accepting smallness does not diminish the potential impact of a personal brand. The value of a personal brand is not found in vanity metrics of likes, followers, and connections. It resides in the value you provide others through daily encounters… the “small ball” of life, if you will.

The Humility of Smallness

Smallness is not a personal brand weakness. Rather, it is a default setting. A closer look at personal brands associated with being successful, distinctive, and big usually reveals someone who consistently creates value for others. They entertain, inform, support- to serve and benefit their audience. A common trait that can be found in most distinctive personal brands is that a sense of smallness has never been lost.

It is humbling to accept our smallness, but it is also essential for preparing to grow.

Personal Branding the Antidote to Crowds

Many people seem to have a love-hate relationship with crowds. I have no hard evidence to support that claim other than you can find crowds in many different settings- sporting events, concerts, amusement parks, and stores, to name a few. However, being part of a crowd does not necessarily mean you like being in crowds. You just happen to share an interest with all of the other people there.

I am not a big fan of crowds, but one characteristic of crowds I like is the ability to blend in among the throng of people. In some ways, it is as if I am not there. It is possible to enjoy anonymity in a sea of faces. While the freedom to get lost in a crowd might be appealing when shopping, it would be disastrous to creating a distinctive personal brand.

Be Found, Not Lost

This week, I am focusing on a quote attributed to leadership expert Lolly Daskal. She cautions against allowing yourself to blend in with the crowd. Simply put, when it comes to your professional identity you cannot afford to get lost in the crowd. You can be more educated, more competent, or more engaging than others who do the same work as you, but those advantages are negated if you are unknown.

The antidote to the harmful effects of following the crowd is personal branding. In the book Me: How to Sell Who You Are, What You Do, & Why You Matter to the World, Colby Jubenville and I define personal branding as “a process for identifying, developing, and communicating your unique value.” Personal branding does not allow you to reside in the comfort zone of a crowd. It leads you to focus on how you genuinely stand out by adding value to others.

Get on the Personal Branding Train

As a new year begins, now is an ideal time to commit to managing your brand. A brand is a “name, symbol, or other marks that distinguishes one seller from another.” The phrase “distinguishes one seller from another” is a call to manage your personal brand. It comes back to Lolly Daskal’s suggestion that we must stand out.

In my upcoming book Brand New Year: 52 Ways to Create a Distinctive Personal Brand, I share three reasons for taking control of your brand:

A brand must have a defined meaning. Think about a brand you admire or that you connect with on an emotional level. It is likely that the brand resonates with you because of its values or priorities. Similarly, you will attract people to you when they can relate to the core of your brand that defines you.
Differentiation is essential. Most businesses avoid at all costs finding themselves in a situation known as Commodity Hell. It refers to an inability to distinguish a business’s offerings from other sellers (the definition of what a brand is meant to do). Differentiation must be real and relevant. You could dye your hair purple or wear polka dot clothing every day and be different. Still, the difference would not be meaningful or add value to other people.
You have competition. Differentiation would not be so important if the need to stand out was not so great. Competition exists to get a foot in the door to start your career, to move up in an organization, and to branch out into new opportunities.

To Be or Not To Be Known

Some people are reluctant to embrace personal branding because they see it as “tooting their own horn.” Yes, personal branding requires self-promotion (i.e., communicating your unique value). Why you? I’m not going to do it for you, nor will your boss, teachers, friends, or mother (OK, well your mother might but that does not count). Make branding about your value contribution to others to convey how you benefit others through your skills and abilities.

The good news is most people do not manage themselves like a brand, making your personal branding quest easier. The decision to manage your brand does not guarantee success, but it puts you ahead of many would-be competitors. The choice is yours to fit in with the crowd (and likely get lost) or stand out.

Forget Making New Year’s Resolutions

The calendar flips to a new year, and along with this milestone comes a tradition practiced by many people: making New Year’s resolutions. Evidence of New Year’s resolutions can be traced back as far as 1671, with more specific mentions of the practice found as early as 1813. A notable characteristic of New Year’s resolutions then (and still today) is they seemed to excuse or acknowledge undesirable behavior in the run-up to a new year. New year’s resolutions offer a fresh start… at least in theory.

Resolutions Fall Short

If you have made New Year’s resolutions for 2017, you need to know that the odds are against success. A study on New Year’s resolutions found that only eight percent of people who make resolutions are successful in achieving them. Maybe the low success rate explains why only 45 percent of Americans usually make New resolutions.

So what are we trying to accomplish when making New Year’s resolutions? Google search data are revealing about what we long to be, do, or have. According to digital marketing firm iQuanti, the top New Year’s resolutions based on search queries include:

Getting healthy
Getting organized
Living life to the fullest
Learning new hobbies
Spending less/saving more.

The goals are worthy; that is not the problem. New Year’s resolutions fall short of their intended outcome so often because of the absence of a plan to reach the destination. We would not get in a car and drive from Memphis to Miami without directions. Yet, New Year’s resolutions without an action plan is the equivalent of blindly making that long distance drive.

Set Goals Instead

Replace New Year’s resolutions with personal goals. In the book Me: How to Sell Who You Are, What You Do, & Why You Matter to the World, Colby Jubenville and I discuss how setting goals is essential to managing your personal brand. Setting goals offers two significant payoffs. First, goals align action with purpose. Pursuing goals is a way to to spend your time in ways that are consistent with the big picture you see for yourself. Second, goals give focus to how to spend time and energy. It is easy to fall into a trap of working on projects not aligned with your goals. Setting goals and identifying actions needed to achieve them can minimize getting sucked into other people’s priorities.

Set personal goals with two criteria in mind:

Goals for different life parts
Goals with different time horizons.

Life Parts

Pursuing goals could get you to the destination you want, but will you be happy once you get there? Colby and I caution against putting too much emphasis on a single area. Instead, we advocate setting goals for six different life parts:

Career goals
Relationship goals
Wellness goals
Spiritual goals
Financial goals
“Bucket list” goals.

The idea is setting goals in multiple areas can help create balance in your life. None of us is one dimensional; our goals should reflect the various roles we concurrently take on. For example, it might do little good to reach career goals if the actions taken to get there ruin personal relationships or damage your health. Setting goals for different life parts serves as protection against self-sabotage.

Time Horizon

In addition to setting goals for different life parts, we need to set goals with differing lengths to achievement. Why? Not every accomplishment we pursue requires the same amount of time. Set goals that are:

Short range- 12 months or less
Mid range- one to three years to achievement
Long range- More than three years to achievement.

Also, use short-range and mid-range goals as stepping stones to reaching long-range goals. A long-range goal might be that end destination you envision but requires a lengthy journey to get there. The relationship between short-range, mid-range, and long-range goals is evident in the question “What is the best way to eat an elephant?” The answer is “one bite at a time.” You are more likely to achieve long-range goals set when broken down into smaller “bites.”

Do Something

Despite the preceding discussion on the limitations of New Year’s resolutions, it is OK to set goals or make resolutions. The point is do something that will spur personal growth. If you are among the eight percent that can see resolutions through to achievement, then go for it. Keep in mind that resolutions are essentially short-range goals. Complement them with more ambitious, longer range outcomes. And, set outcomes in multiple life parts; do not zero in on a single aspect of your life and ignore others.

Good luck pursuing your goals (or resolutions) in 2017!

Plan to Plant the Seeds of Personal Growth

The time between Christmas and New Year’s Day is my favorite stretch of a few days in the year. So many good things can happen- spend time with family, see friends, catch up on rest, and reflect on the year that is drawing to a close. One other priority for me during this time is to plan for the new year. What do I want to achieve? Are there changes I would like to make? How can I overcome obstacles in my way of a prosperous year ahead?

Planting Time

The Chinese proverb above crossed my path a few days ago. It could not have been more timely! If you use the new year as a time to plan a course toward realizing goals, this simple but powerful thought can be a reminder of the payoffs of using the present to start something new. Yes, twenty years ago (or twenty months ago or even twenty days ago) might have been better in that you could be further along toward what you want to be, do, or have. But, you cannot go back and plant- you can only control your actions now. Rather than lament about missed opportunities in the past, get off your butt (and Facebook) and take action. Please don’t be offended; I’m talking to myself. If the message applies to you, too, feel free to be impacted by it.

Weeds in the Plan

The new year is an ideal period for planting (i.e., laying out a growth plan). We must be careful about the environment in which we plant. Desired results might never be realized if weeds are present where we need to plant. What do these weeds look like? Some of the more common ones are:

Weeds of doubt. “I don’t know if I am disciplined enough to eat healthier to lose weight.”
Weeds of denial. “I don’t deserve the promotion to general manager- it will surely go to someone else.”
Weeds of disdain. “I can’t believe how lucky Steven is- money and success seem to fall into his lap.”

The “3Ds” of weeds are hazardous to our health. They can delay, if not discourage us to take the actions that will move you closer toward goal achievement. Doubt, denial, and disdain can be very persuasive in convincing us not to waste your time planting new seeds. In reality, the 3Ds sabotage growth plans by keeping us firmly entrenched in a comfort zone. Unfortunately, not much greatness occurs in comfort zones.

Plant and Grow

I plan to live this quote in 2017. Some people who read this might have been a young child 20 years ago. If you are like me and have far more than 20 years in your rear view mirror, the message is a call to action. Regardless of your current age, the time to plant is now. May 2017 yield great results because of your efforts to plant seeds for your success.