Don Roy, Ph.D.

Fear is an emotion that is common in daily life. The triggers of fear and the extent to which it grips us varies from a single, quirky reaction to a debilitating phobia that hinders quality of life. In some instances, fear is healthy as it keeps us out of danger (e.g., obeying a sign that suggests we not get too close to the edge of a cliff). Other instances in which we experience fear can be an overreaction to a situation (e.g., worrying about what people will think of me when I get up to speak).

Why We Let Fear In

We can use fear as an impetus to act or excuse to withdraw. Author and marketing expert Seth Godin encourages us to allow ourselves to be scared. Are you up for doing the very thing that is the source of worry the next time you are scared ?

It is sad that we enable fear to have power over us in work, relationships, hobbies, and more. Why do we give fear free rein to hold us back? Among the reasons I have observed in my own behavior and others are:

Concern for physical safety. Worries about the effects of an activity on our physical state are among the most common phobias. A list of 10 of the most common phobias includes acrophobia (fear of heights) and aerophobia (fear of flying). Two other fears on the list, arachnophobia (fear of spiders) and ophidiophobia (fear of snakes), are rooted in fears about how these creatures could harm. Although I do not have these fears, I empathize with persons who experience them.

Concern for we are perceived. Social phobia also is on the list of the most common fears. It is a broad category encompassing just about any social situation you can imagine: public speaking, small group interaction, even dining. We are afraid that others will see us as inadequate in some way and may even ridicule our shortcomings. Fear driven by concerns for how we are perceived ultimately are tied to our ego. We do not want to embarrass ourselves because pride could take a hit.

Instead of taking physical or emotional risk, fear holds us back from doing that thing that could harm us or make us look bad. Of course, that thing could also be a source of enjoyment and fulfillment… but we may never know.

Doing that Scary Thing

If you need an example of someone following Seth Godin’s advice, let us look to a young man who overcame a debilitating fear. A video widely circulated on social media recently chronicled the story of a boy named RJ. He had a fear that many people have: aquaphobia (fear of water). RJ’s father shared two videos of the child learning how to dive into water. In the first video, RJ is terrified. My heart broke for him as his body shook while he stood on the board, unable to coax himself to dive in the water.

The second video is also of RJ on a diving board, but the outcome is dramatically different.The uncontrollable shaking no longer grips him. After a few seconds of pondering action, RJ calmly plunges into the water. He did it! My guess is his reaction was similar to other children who overcome a fear to do something for the first time: “I want to do it again.”

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— Underrated (@Hampsworld) July 2, 2019

RJ’s journey to overcome fear is one from which we can learn. Whether a fear is legitimate or imagined, it is a fear nonetheless. We must overcome fear in order to remove it as an obstacle. RJ’s story also reminds us that we must be patient sometimes when dealing with fear. It took him two years to go from experiencing terror to diving into the pool. The first step is being open to the possibilities of overcoming a fear. RJ could have sworn to never step foot on a diving board again. If he had, the awesomeness of diving into the pool would never have happened.

One More Thing

A final takeaway from RJ’s story of overcoming aquaphobia is a reminder that we should avail ourselves of opportunities to learn from others, including children. Young people can teach us, even if they do not realize they are teaching. Thank you, RJ for showing us how to take on fear. RJ is living proof that if something scares you , it might be a good thing to try.

The NBA and NHL are officially in off-season, but teams in both leagues are making news this time of year. It is free agency season; most players whose contracts have expired and have a certain number of years of service are eligible to sign with any team that wants them. Elite players stand to receive multi-year contracts worth tens of millions of dollars. The NBA’s top free agent, Kevin Durant, is expected to sign a contract worth more than $200 million over five years.

The jaw-dropping salaries commanded by top free agents in the NBA and NHL come with one major assumption: They are being rewarded for past performance with an expectation they will continue playing at a high level with their new team. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it does not.

Teams sign free agents with fingers crossed that their new player will have a healthy, productive tenure with the team. Some players turn out to be the missing piece of a puzzle that when completed leads to championships. Other players perform as if their motivation was to get paid. They scored the lucrative contract and lose the hunger responsible for the big payday. Yet others appear as if they temporarily played beyond their abilities, leading teams to believe they were worthy of a long-term contract when in fact they were not.

The forces at work in sports free agency have implications for you, too. It is unlikely that employers will line up to woo you and offer a nine-figure contract join their organization. We do not have the luxury of riding past performance to a life-changing payday.

If we lean on past performance, we run the risk of obsolescence. Instead of relying on past performance create a record that speaks for itself, we need to prepare for future performance. What skill(s) do you need to sharpen or pick up to get up-to-date in your field? Is the quality of your professional network good enough to put you in the circles in which you want to be? Are you taking steps to get better, improving your “product” to be ready for the next opportunity?

Past performance is no guarantee of future results. Prepared performance leads to peak performance, which does guarantee better chances of desired future results.

With each passing year of my life, I realize how much I have valued comfort. Safety, security, risk aversion… whatever it is called, having it was a priority. However, I now realize that achieving this state involves trade-offs, passing on new or different opportunities in order to enjoy certainty.

My reaction to This One to Grow On quote was like having a glass of cold water thrown in my face. I felt startled, angry, sad, and excited all at the same time. Buddhist teacher and author Pema Chodron suggests that to fully experience life we must willingly step outside any safety nets we have created.

I Like the Nest

The prospect of venturing beyond the nest to have new experiences is intriguing. It also sounds like it could be risky and dangerous. Could we do it and at least keep one foot in the nest, just in case we need to return to avoid danger? Is that like having your cake and eating it, too? I guess it is asking too much, but hey, at least I thought I would ask. The answer is obvious if we admit it; all parts of us must leave the nest to immerse ourselves in ways that challenge us.

If we admit that Pema Chodron is right and we must get out of the nest to be fully alive, human, and awake, then why do we put up resistance to going there? For me, it comes down to two reasons: fear of the known and fear of the unknown.

• Fear of the known. An understandable reason for not setting foot outside the nest is knowledge that it is a dangerous world out there. The harsh reality that 80-90% of new businesses fail could be all the warning an aspiring entrepreneur needs to shelve her dream of owning her own business. Concerns about airplane safety and terrorism grounds many people who would otherwise take their dream vacation. We are more informed than ever before. If there is a downside, it could be that information could evoke concerns… even when it should not have such an effect.
• Fear of the unknown. While fear of the known can be reasons we cite for staying within the friendly confines of the nest, fear of the unknown can unwittingly have a paralyzing effect. I see it often in people who say they want to change or grow. They will bemoan the job in which they are mired, but when conversation shifts to making a change they begin to change their tune. Their miserable job does have some positives going for it, they say. Before long, they have talked themselves out of new opportunities in order to stay with what they know. Never mind that what they know sucks; at least they know what they are getting. Taking a new job would entail many uncertainties—new boss, co-workers, culture, customers, break room. Avoiding the unknown by staying put sounds secure, but it keeps us away from the possibilities that come with new opportunities.

Taking Flight

Here is where Chodron’s quote feeling like a splash of cold water in my face happened. A colleague came by my office a couple of months ago with an opportunity. She had taught a study abroad in Finland for a few years, but she was unable to go this year. Another colleague who had planned to go in her place now was unable to make the trip. My colleague came to me to ask if I would teach the class to maintain the momentum of the program. My travel abroad experience is limited to a handful of trips to Canada to visit family.

The opportunity to teach a class in Finland would not just be going outside the nest. It would require spreading my wings and traveling thousands of miles away for three weeks. It was not the first time I had been asked to consider teaching a study abroad class, and my initial reaction mirrored thoughts that previously came to mind. They were excuses I told myself why I could not or should not go. However, something was different this time. I had been editing old blog posts that spoke to my situation. With titles such as “Take a Flier and Do It” and “Life is not a Spectator Sport,” I realized the messages in those posts applied to the decision at hand. If I did not put the advice in those posts into practice, I might as well delete those blog posts because I would be practicing what I was saying.

Yes, I decided to leave the nest that is my comfort zone, and I am going to Finland in May for three weeks. Is the trip and preparing for the class challenging me? Are other opportunities taking a back seat for the time being? The answer to both questions is “yes,” but I can already sense that the experience will benefit me in many ways. The impact I stand to realize will happen only because of my willingness to be thrown out of my nest.

One to Grow On

Appreciate the security of the nest, but we must not allow it to become a fortress from which we try to live and fend off uncertainties. Good feelings arising from a comfort zone may be false signals preventing us from having even more enjoyment or fulfillment if we avail ourselves to it.

Time to be thrown out of the nest… care to join me?

In the journey that is life, we can either feel like we are taking the express lane to our destination or driving in circles. The former condition is one in which we have a clear purpose. In the latter condition, we are not moving confidently in any direction because, well, we do not know what direction is the right direction.

Having and recognizing a purpose is crucial to our productivity, growth, and quality of life. Knowing your purpose does not mean you are immune to adversity, but purpose gives direction to get back on track when setbacks happen.

This week, I am focusing on a quote by speaker an author John O’Leary. He remind us that purpose is not only our guiding light, it is an energy source to get through difficult times.

The quote by John O’Leary is not just some words cleverly strung together. He has lived them. O’Leary suffered third-degree burns over his entire body at age nine. Doctors said he would not survive. John O’Leary did more than survive. He recognized his purpose was to help people live inspired lives. He does just that today despite the physical limitations from being severely burned.

John O’Leary is driven by purpose. You need not have a near-death experience to find yours.

Purpose Can be Elusive

Knowing your why will see you through whatever tough times come your way. If it were really that simple, everyone would have their purpose plastered on their walls, bathroom mirror, and phone lock screen. Many people cannot put their purpose on a wall, mirror, or lock screen for a simple reason: They are unsure what their purpose is.

Given that knowing our purpose can give clarity to deal tough times, why do we not seek to find it? Purpose is elusive for the following reasons:

• We do not bother to find out. Calling out people’s apathy toward their purpose sounds harsh, but I believe some people are content not bothering to define their purpose. My point is not to suggest people in this category have no purpose (because they do). They are valued by others as parents, employees, volunteers, and friends. When it comes to clearly stating their why, for some reason they have not asked the question of themselves. They are prime candidates for being changed by inspirational people like John O’Leary.
• Someone answered the question for us. Believing in a purpose that someone else has set for you may be more dangerous than not having a purpose at all. You have heard the stories about the person who was expected to take the reigns of the family business, the college student who majored in accounting at the urging of her father, or the man whose mother steered him away from marrying the “wrong” woman. In all of these cases, one’s purpose was unduly influenced, if not determined, by someone else. Your purpose is just that—yours.
• We are afraid of the answer. Fully understanding our purpose can be one of the most empowering states we can achieve. It can also be a scary one. We may be afraid of the answer to our why question when it represents a departure from aimlessly wandering or following someone else’s view of our purpose. The young person who decides service to country in the military is his purpose has made a decision that will impact family and friends, not to mention creating significant change in his daily life. It would be safer and less traumatic to keep things as they are. It would also deny the person of the meaning derived from fulfilling purpose.

Finding Purpose

The thought that knowing your why enables us to endure any how is at the same time exhilarating and frightening. It is exhilarating to think that clarity of purpose can guide us in good times and bad. It is frightening to know the power of purpose yet be uncertain as to what is our purpose. If you find yourself feeling more frightened than exhilarated, a remedy is to ask questions that could help uncover your purpose.

In her book Story Driven: You Don’t Need to Compete When You Know Who You Are, business advisor and storytelling expert Bernadette Jiwa  refers to purpose as simply “the reason to exist.” Jiwa asserts that purpose is the cornerstone of creating a competitive advantage, perhaps because so many people and organizations have difficulty articulating their purpose.

In the context of creating a business or personal brand, Jiwa suggests reflecting on questions that could shed light on your why. If you cannot clearly state your purpose, answer the following questions:

• What’s the thing you’re most proud to have done to date?
• Who inspires you?
• Who would you like to be an inspiration to?
• What change are you trying to create?
• What makes your work important to your audience?

Answers to these questions could offer certainty to the overarching question of your reason to exist as a brand.

Why Power

Thinking about purpose, or reason to exist is a beneficial exercise regardless of how easy or hard it is to answer. Our purpose can be consumed by a never ending to-do list, putting out fires, and trudging through a daily routine. It is assuring to know the power of purpose, that my why can help me deal with whatever may come my way.

 

If I had to give myself a grade for being a starter, I would assign an A-. Taking a grade of A would not be right; I have a bit too much procrastination in me to rate the top score. However, I am comfortable taking a high grade. Why? I only needed to look at the filing system on my computer for evidence of many projects I have started. Many of those projects are no more than preliminary ideas that need refinement. Most of the ideas will never become a finished product. For some of the ideas, that outcome is the right one. For other ideas, my resistance to advance could cost me dearly.

This week, I am reflecting on a Chinese proverb that suggests it is normal to want to give up on ideas before they reach fruition. The temptation to quit may be normal, but it is the very time to stick to our guns and see a project through to completion.

Recognize the Resistance

The work of author Steven Pressfield immediately comes to mind when facing doubts and struggling to complete a project. Pressfield has written extensively on the challenges creatives and entrepreneurs face to transform ideas into reality. He has a name for the obstacles faced in navigating the creative process: The Resistance. If you feel unsure of your self, doubt your ability to succeed, or are outright scared, turns out you are normal. According to Pressfield, the more uncertainty you face, the better off you are. In his book The War of Art, Pressfield said:

“If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends), “Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?” chances are you are. The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death.” 

Fear that you do not have what it takes to succeed on the project, job, or as a leader comes with the territory. Take comfort that you are a member of a large club… just don’t succumb to the fear and stop short of the finish line.

Deal with Fear

If you are doing any work of personal significance, something that stretches your capabilities and comfort, chances are you will question your ability to accomplish. In line with Steven Pressfield’s viewpoint, the likelihood of being tempted to quit increases the more invested you are in the work.

Fear is likely to land on your doorstep. How will you deal with it?

1. Remember fear is normal. We established this point already. The reason you are tempted to quit is not because you suck, it is because you are human. The inability to control the outcome of your work (and its acceptance) invites fear.
2. Recognize the source. As Steven Pressfield says, you are the enemy. Any fear, self-sabotage, or doubt that arises does not come from an outside source. The voice saying can competently and confidently do the work also questions your worth and performance ability. Listen to the former, not the latter.
3. Do the work. This three-word directive is another Steven Pressfield staple. Doing the work in the face of your own doubt is the antidote to self-imposed limitations. Another quote from The War of Art sums up the simple yet critical decision to do the work:

“The most important thing about art is to work. Nothing else matters except sitting down every day and trying.”

Don’t wait for permission, inspiration, or approval. Do what needs to be done.

The Takeaway

This Chinese proverb is one that I would benefit from regularly revisiting. One word describes what I will take with me from this quote: resolve. Temptation to give up is something that is not unique to us—we all struggle with walking away just before a breakthrough. The key to handling the struggle is recognizing its existence and resolving to work through it.