The blame game is one for which many of us have potential to become an all-star. It is easy to attribute failures and shortcomings to external sources when things do not go our way. Why should I take the fall for an outcome that I did not want, and by extension, could not be possibly caused by me? If we allow ourselves to have enough practice at the blame game, we could evolve to the point at which we do no wrong. All failures are due to other people, events, or trends.

Our goal should be to give up playing the blame game. Pointing the finger elsewhere is convenient and absolves us of responsibility… at least in our mind. However, former FBI international  kidnapping negotiator Chris Voss points out a downside to playing the blame game. Voss says blaming others denies us of a chance to change.

Rather than doling out blame every chance we get, should we be seeking opportunities to accept responsibility for our failures?

Why We Play the Blame Game

The idea that attributing failure to others does more harm to us than good is one I can accept. However, living that idea can require a significant mindset shift. It is a place I have to prepare myself to be as I am not there yet. Sadly, it is a place at which some people will never arrive. Why are we often inclined to place the blame elsewhere?

Blame is easy. Attributing failure to external sources is a quick and painless way to diagnose shortcomings. Sometimes, external forces can be very difficult to overcome—a brutal economy, an abusive boss, or a ruthless competitor come to mind. We cannot stop any of these negative forces, so how could we possibly be at fault when they are around?

Blame is painless. When we deflect taking responsibility, it saves us from taking a hit to our pride. If you lost out on the promotion to Gina, you can take comfort in the explanation that the boss likes Gina more. It has nothing to do with you… or does it? It is not a consideration when we use external attribution like medicine to treat failure.

Blame is normal. External attribution of failure is an accepted practice. Identifying something or someone other than ourselves as the cause of our woes is common in our culture. Doing so saves us the trouble of deeper introspection to understand our role in personal failures.

Blame versus Growth

This week’s One to Grow On quote suggests blame is a threat to personal growth. It offers short-term relief from the sting of failure but does not address how I can learn and grow so that I do not experience similar failure in the future. Instead of being a source of relief, blame should make me squirm when it enters my mind as an explanation for falling short. The reason is that external attribution prevents us from taking internal inventory of our strengths and weaknesses. If we are the reason for not making the sale, passing the exam, or strengthening the relationship, pinning the problem on others will mask our inadequacies. The bottom line is a me-first approach is needed to examine failure and being open to change.

The Point

One of my favorite sayings about blame is when you point at something or someone else as the problem, you have three fingers pointing back at you. The idea is we are more likely to find the root cause of failure by looking at where the three fingers are pointing, not where the lone finger is pointing. My goal is to become a horrible player of the blame game.

We are masters of rationalization any time we do not attain a goal, fail to do something we should have done, or otherwise fall short. We can offer up seemingly legitimate reasons for failure. Perfecting this technique over time means we can absolve ourselves whenever it is convenient to do it. This exercise may shield us from being accountable for our missteps, but in the end it is little more than a fabrication of excuses that cloud the truth—we messed up.

The practice of offering reasons for failure that are nothing more than excuses wrapped in logic (or purported logic) is a shortcoming brought to the forefront in a book I am reading. Bernard Roth, a professor at Stanford’s Hasso Plattner Institute of Design, raises the reasons-as-excuses issue in The Achievement Habit: Stop Wishing, Start Doing, and Take Command of Your Life (HaperCollins, 2015). Would it surprise you that in a book about achievement the author says we must stop with the reasons (excuses) for our behavior?

The Reasons We Reason

Talk about change—I have years of experience as a “reasoner” that will be for naught if I buy into Roth’s view that the reasons have to go! I see his point and also see how rationalizing our behavior, especially when it contributes to falling short of desired outcomes, is a threat to growth. So, why do we allow reasoning to justify our behavior?

• Shifts focus to external factors. It is convenient to point at forces beyond our control as reasons for our failures. The economy, the weather, competition, workload (feel free to add some of your favorites here) could interfere with goal achievement. But, are they really the reasons we fail? One “reason” I need to remove from my library is “I’m too busy.” It is an excused dressed as a reason. What “I’m too busy” usually means is I am not good at time management or I need to become more selective in the projects I agree to take on.
• Avoids need to confront weaknesses. Reasons we do not achieve serve as a buffer from an uncomfortable conversation we must have with ourselves. Weaknesses limit our growth. We must be able to acknowledge their existence and resolve to negate (if not overcome) them. Admitting weaknesses can damage our pride, but pretending they do not exist potentially does far more harm to our personal brand.
• Preserves image. Every person has flaws, but we usually do not leverage them as part of our brand. We position ourselves on positive attributes possessed. When we offer reasons for failure or lack of success, we shift blame for failure away from our own brand. This deflection preserves the image others hold about us. However, be mindful that regularly citing reasons for failure could have the unintended effect of projecting an image that you always make excuses when things do not go your way.

Be Unreasonable

Bernard Roth is on to something when he says reasons are provide us with excuses to behave dysfunctionally. Too often, we want to use a pass for our actions rather than reflect on what we could do create better outcomes for ourselves. This week, I am going to put an emphasis on being “unreasonable.” Don’t worry, I am not planning to be unreasonable in my opinions and actions. My goal is to cut out leaning on the reasons for falling short that do not really explain my shortcomings.

When it comes to blogging, there is no shortage of advice on how to develop ideas for posts. Writing the One to Grow On entries in my blog is a straightforward process. Inspiration comes from thoughts and quotes I come across in daily readings and interactions. Sometimes, they are witty or insightful statements that convey a positive message. Other times, a thought or quote feels like a smack in the face. I was smacked in the face the other day by words of wisdom from the legendary Jim Rohn.

As a person who has put out creative works for a living and personal growth for more than 20 years—courses, lectures, articles, books, and more—I still struggle with magnetic pull of going to the sidelines to watch. Author Steven Pressfield refers to it as the Resistance. Whether it is resistance, procrastination, or sloth, one thing is for sure: It is destructive to development of your personal brand. It sucks, and I desperately want to beat it. The temptation to watch rather than do is an ongoing threat to personal growth.

Why We Watch

Let’s get one thing clear up front: It is OK to do and watch. We can learn a great deal from watching in various forms—reading books, checking out blogs, watching videos, attending conferences, and enrolling in courses. Learning from others and adding our unique perspective to that knowledge is a form of innovation. We do not have to decide whether to watch or do, but we must strike a balance between consuming versus creating.

What causes an imbalance that leads to too much watching and not enough doing? We are distracted in the following ways:

• Watching is entertaining. I am a college football fan. Saturdays often mean hours in front of the TV watching exciting games. The pageantry and drama of college football attracts millions to attend games or watch on TV. As much as I like consuming the entertainment on Saturdays, I realize that it would be easy to fall into this practice seven days a week.
• Watching is educational. We must build in time to learn regardless of our age or how much formal schooling we have had. However, just as we can overdo entertainment, we can spend too much time and focus on learning. Rather than striving for perfection, “do the work” is a mantra that can serve us well.

The takeaway is not only is it OK to watch, some watching is needed in our preparation to do. We must guard against letting the pendulum swing too far to the point we become passive spectators when we should be players.

Get in the Game

Resistance can be a powerful force. Don’t believe me? Just take a look at the date of this blog post and the preceding post. I take no pride that it has been three weeks between posts. And, I cannot use a lame excuse like “I’ve been busy” to cover my tracks. I have been guilty of watching others rather than being true to my work. It is clear the problem is me; I have become the person Jim Rohm describes in today’s One to Grow On quote. I loathe that person, so how do we get in the game? Here are three techniques for beating the tendency to watch:

• Eat that frog. Author and business expert Brian Tracy says begin the day by tackling a task or project that you are reluctant to tackle. Once it is completed, the pressure to do decreases… you’ve already done!
• Work in short bursts. A time-based work approach like the Pomodoro method blocks off time to work on a specific task. The Pomodoro method is based on working in 25-minute blocks with short breaks in between. A seemingly daunting task can be done in short time intervals.
• Celebrate victories. Reward yourself for meeting a daily or weekly goal—a milkshake, glass of wine, or shopping trip—whatever would be a fitting treat for completing an important task on your to-do list.

The Struggle is Real

Resistance is nothing new, and its staying power is amazing (albeit annoying). We can mistake resistance for comfort and makes ourselves at home as spectators. The problem with doing so is that life is not a spectator sport. We grow and develop primarily by doing, not watching.

Keep watching, but do more. Show the Resistance who is charge.

Benjamin Franklin is known for saying and doing many things. One quote often attributed to him is “in this world nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes.” The statement is at the same time humorous and sobering. Death and taxes are imposed upon us all (and sometimes taxes do not end with death).

As timeless as this statement is about the certainty of death and taxes, I have always added a third certainty to the list: change. Whether it is individual interests or tastes or the environment in which you spend significant time (community, work, school, etc.), change is almost certain to occur. The scope and magnitude of change is a continuum that ranges from hardly noticeable to radical. Sometimes, change may not alter daily routines at all. Other times, it can rock our world.

A healthy approach to dealing with change is offered up by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a scientist and meditation expert.

Think of waves as a metaphor for change. Some waves are little more than ripples in the water. Other waves are powerful and have potential to effect change on anything in their path. We cannot stop waves (change), but we can be prepared to to adapt to the waves. They need not create hardship or adversity for us if we are willing to learn to surf the waves of change.

Why Waves Crash Upon Us

Sadly, too many people choose to do something other than learn to surf in order to deal with the waves of change. Why do we try to avoid waves when we could be benefiting from them?

• Denial. Sometimes, pretending waves of change are not present is a comfortable solution. We can rationalize the change and tell ourselves it is a non-issue—”the merger won’t affect my job” or “we have a 20-year head start over the latest competitor”— could be a dangerous dismissal of significant disruption that is looming.
• Fear. The potential effects of change may be realized, but it would make us uncomfortable to deal with them. You know full well that your position became redundant as a result of the merger. The possibility of being laid off and being forced to market yourself after 12 years with your employer scares you, not to mention a mortgage, debt, and two kids just a few years away from college. We know change is occurring, but it is convenient to pretend it will affect others, but not us.

Denial and fear are not unusual responses to change. Unfortunately, they fail to address the impact of change because they are reactive responses, not proactive ones.

Take Surfing Lessons

It is naive to think we can avoid the effects of change in our lives. Too many external variables are in play that stand to affect us. Marketers monitor and respond to external environment factors including:

• competition
• economy
• technology
• government and regulatory climate
• social trends.

The common thread through these external factors is no one person or organization can do nothing to alter the direction or intensity of external occurrences. We can be prepared to deal with their effects and more importantly, take actions that potentially allow us to benefit from these external occurrences.

We must be willing to learn how to ride the surf because the waves are coming. Waters may be calm now, but in the back of your mind you know they will not remain calm. The personal growth equivalent of taking surfing lessons is a combination of mindset and skill set refinement that enables you to adapt to change.

Don’t be Afraid

A comforting takeaway from Dr. Zinn’s quote is to not be fearful of change. The reality is we almost never have the power to prevent change from happening. What we do have the power to do is deal with change in a manner that minimizes harm to us and maximizes benefit. Instead of allowing our energy to be consumed with denial or fear of impending change, I like the visual image of grabbing a surfboard and going for a ride.

Doing great work and attaining high levels of achievement are aspirations most people have. Who wouldn’t want to be known as being among the best at what they do? We look at leaders in our field and marvel at the brilliant work they consistently produce. Each article, podcast, speech, or book reflects mastery and occupying rarefied air within their field. We may want to get there but are discouraged because we do not see ourselves as having what it takes to become great at what we do.

This lament is not an objective assessment of our limitations. Rather, it is a dangerous form of self-sabotage. You may not be brilliant at what you do… nor do you need to be. The fuel that moves us forward is persistence, consistently doing the work. Leadership expert and author Robin Sharma says persistence will do more for our personal growth than being brilliant.

The Brilliance Trap

If persistence will do more to advance our development than brilliance, then why do we still chase achieving greatness? You do not hear many professional golfers say “I want to be the most persistent golf pro in the world.” Instead, their aspirations deal with measurable outputs—achieving a high rank, winning tournaments, or winning major championships. Yet, the pursuit of brilliance keeps us from winning tournaments or whatever the measuring stick we use.

We fall into what could be called the brilliance trap for the following reasons:

• Focus is on the result, not the process. We associate brilliance with results achieved, but the truth is the results would never happen without following a process (i.e., hard work) to get there.  Our focus on results and the benefits associated them means we overlook the necessity to take small steps forward daily toward the big goal.
• Brilliance is more fun than persistence. It is more enjoyable to bask in the glory that radiates from brilliance than the grunt work that takes place in the trenches. Many people want to write a book but cannot discipline themselves to consistently write and inch closer to their goal. John Grisham says if you would write 200 words a day you could complete a novel in two years. The latter sounds cool; the former requires commitment and resolve.
• Great work is equated with brilliance. We see the output of high performers in our field and attribute it to talent or even luck. The work required to rise to a peak performance level goes unseen. We assume hard work played a role in that person’s ability to do brilliant work, but we are not there to witness the preparation and sacrifices made to hone a high performer’s abilities and skills. The potential for doing brilliant work is a gift, but it is also like a muscle that can be strengthened through persistence.

How to be Persistent

Becoming more persistent is a trait I want to develop. It will enable me to follow through more consistently on ideas and plans. I have made strides in this area thanks in part to three tools that give me direction.

• Setting goals. I write down what I want to achieve, setting trimester goals (four-month cycles). This time frame fits nicely with the fall, spring, and summer semester schedules under which I work as an academic. You probably have heard the statistic before that 97% of people do not write down goals. It is invaluable for me as it gives me end results at which to aim. Otherwise, I fear I would not make best use of time and not complete as many projects.
• Identifying next steps. Goals set the finish line we want to cross. Now, all that has to be done is figuring out how to get there. This small yet crucial detail trips up many good intentions. For any goal set, break it down in to weekly and even daily actions that must be completed in order to advance toward goal attainment. Persistence is needed to follow through in order to transform goals from dreams to reality.
• Managing time. The hyper-distracting environment in which we live is a threat to persistence. It is not hard to go from researching a topic to scrolling through your Facebook page (speaking from first-hand experience on this one). A time management device that has helped me focus and be more persistent is the Pomodoro technique. The premise of this technique is to work in 25-minute blocks of time, taking short breaks between blocks. During a 25- minute block, work on only one task. It has been a game changer for me.

Be Persistent to be Great

Greatness is not reserved for a select few. However, you have be incredibly persistent to get there. Malcolm Gladwell wrote about the 10,000 hour rule in Outliers. He asserted that high level performers typically invested many, many hours of preparation and work to become exceptional. Persistence versus brilliance reminds me of the race between the tortoise and the hare. The tortoise relied on persistence (he sure did not have speed) to eventually overtake the hare and win the race. Similarly, we should look to persistence as the secret to our growth. It has the potential to take us farther than any brilliance bestowed upon us.

Benjamin Franklin made famous the saying:”Nothing is certain except death and taxes.” That observation has held true for more than 200 years. I would add a third certainty to the list: change. It comes in varying degrees of newness and impact, but change is pervasive in our lives. Rather than lament change or put up a fight to stop it, we would be better served to put our energy toward adapting to change. The words of Socrates fit this challenge. When facing change we are usually better off focusing on building the new instead of fighting the old.

Fighting is Futile

It is a natural reaction to question, if not outright resist change. A change stands to disrupt how things are done, how we behave, and what we believe. Do we want to subject ourselves to such uncertainties or prefer to maintain status quo? We are willing to go to battle to keep things as they are, even when change has the potential to improve a situation.

A favorite children’s story I read to my sons was “Silly Sidney.” It is a story about a squirrel named Sidney. What makes him Silly Sidney? He comes up with a silly idea that if the leaves do not fall from the trees, the seasons will not change from fall to winter. It is not pleasant for squirrels in the winter, and they have to gather food to get through the coldest season. Sidney had it all figured out. He would put leaves back on the trees as they fall, keeping winter at bay. His plan was a miserable failure, of course. The leaves fell from the trees, and winter came as usual. Not only did Silly Sidney’s plan backfire, he had not gathered food for winter because his focus was on stopping winter.

Like Silly Sidney, we sometimes expend energy to resist change that would be better utilized adapting to change. The decision whether to fight for the old or focus on the new must take into account the degree of certainty for change. “Silly Sidney” is an extreme example in that the change is assured of happening (change of seasons). Yet, are there times when we resist change that is all but going to happen?

Pick Fights Wisely

The advice to focus on change rather than resist it has an implication that must be addressed: What if the proposed change is wrong or harmful? We need not blindly buy into Socrates’ advice. Sometimes, proposed change is not for the greater good but is self-serving to a person or group. Other times, we draw the short straw. The greater good will benefit from change, but our personal situation does not improve.

When faced with change, determine your fight-or-focus response by asking these questions:

• Is the change inevitable? If yes, it is going to happen whether you fight the change. Energy would be better spent on focusing on building a new way of doing things post-change.
• What new value will be created by the change? In many cases, change is brought about because it is believed better performance or results will occur. How can you leverage the different outcome to your advantage?
• If change is neither inevitable nor creates new value, what is the reason for change? If the first two questions do not have satisfactory answers, it is here that questioning change (or even fighting it) is appropriate.

View proposed change with healthy skepticism. Look for the good that can come from it, but if you cannot find benefits in a change do not let it go unchallenged.

Focus, Focus, Focus

Whether you resist or embrace change, it is likely to occur. Thus, figure out how to benefit or thrive when change happens. Don’t be like Silly Sidney and make the dual mistakes of fighting change and not preparing anyway in case it happens. You might not agree with a change, but it does not mean you cannot prosper from it.

Authenticity is one of the most admirable traits a brand exhibits. In a world of manufactured images, authenticity reveals one’s true character. Marketing expert and author Seth Godin says authenticity goes beyond being the real you; authenticity is doing what you promise. Sounds simple enough, but pressures to please others and adapt to shifting trends and desires can make it challenging to consistently follow through on promises.

A call to strive for authenticity can be heard in the words of playwright and author Raymond Hull. If our aim is to please others, we could end up looking little like ourselves. Following through on promises is a better long-run approach than changing based on others’ whims.

Forget Pleasing Others

One of the most memorable books I read to my sons when they were young was from the Scruffy the Tugboat series. I cannot recall the title, but in the story Scruffy sets out to make friends with other boats. He tells one boat “you’re my best friend.” He proceeds to tell other boats the same thing. All is OK until Scruffy’s friends talk among themselves and discover Scruffy led each of them to believe they were special. Scruffy confessed, saying he only wanted to make them happy and not hurt their feelings.

When we trim ourselves to suit others, we lose sight of the impact we could have. Our value proposition is not dependent on making others happy. We create value by making other people’s lives better in some way. We teach, support, entertain, help—none of these value-added activities require us to deviate from our character. You can please others by delivering on your brand promise. That is how you suit them, not by bowing to what you think they want.

Sorry, Not Sorry

Like Scruffy the Tugboat, we can become consumed with making others happy. A brand cannot have universal appeal. It is impossible to be all things to all people. Even the most popular brands have detractors. Some people are turned off by the price; others think the brand image is too snobby. Yet others think the quality is inferior. More reasons could be cited, but you get the point.

Personal brands are no different. You will not be universally adored. Some people will think you are arrogant; others perceive you are incompetent. A few people see you as dishonest, and so on. While it is not fun to have haters, accept this characteristic as coming with the territory of having a brand. You need not apologize to anyone for any negative associations they have with your brand.

Brands have meaning and value for a certain audience. Your brand is reinforced in the minds of that audience by achieving consistency in words and actions. Authenticity is currency with your audience. You build up equity with them, making deposits every time you deliver on your brand promise.

Change your Focus

Take to heart the words of Raymond Hull and stop trying to please others. Instead, focus on becoming incredibly consistent in what you say and do. Those people with whom your consistency resonates will feel a deeper connection with you. And those people who don’t get you… chances are nothing will change their minds.

Which group do you want to focus on serving?